Reframing

So this is my baseline state: I (think I) am quite established, personally. I (think I) know what’s ideal, and that’s what I’m aiming at, but I (think I) am also aware that perfection is virtually inexistent, so I try to be more flexible. I (think I have) become much less stubborn –maybe not really, but working in the field that deals with personality somehow has given me many jargons that are more subtle to describe what people used to call as “stubborn”: perfectionist, determined, driven, intense, assertive, firm, idealist.. so I (kind of delusionally think that I) am getting less annoying each day. I’m just… you know, one of those more subtle terms, but definitely not stubborn *I think :p

I used to opt for the truth, and I still opt for the truth, but I have also learned that sometimes a truth in one context might not be a truth in another context. This is what I would call as reframing. Quite shocking at first, but with more practice, I’m getting better at reframing things –looking at things from multiple angles, and be more creative with scenarios. I have become more tolerant to indecisiveness and I can now proudly say that I am capable of waiting, sitting down, and do nothing –something that I might not be quite able to do ten years ago. Haha.

So that was it: being flexible, being neutral.. while still preserving some determination needed to achieve my (personal) goals. I thought that’s enough. I thought I had no more issues, no more anger, no more delusional wish of being ideal… until recently. Some things made me realize that I still had that anger, and maybe the wish of being ideal. Fortunately, I immediately realized that I could reframe this.. and somehow reframing did change (the way I feel about) things, and it’s nice.

The story goes like this: there was that day not so long ago when I felt very uneasy over a matter that should’ve been no issue. Well it was something kind of relationship-related, but it wasn’t quite a relationship, which was why it shouldn’t have been an issue. But it was an issue anyway because I felt quite uneasy, so I took time to first define ‘why’. After some time of digging in, I could finally point out to two fears that turned out, I still had: 1) being friend-zoned; 2) being a ‘victim’ of someone’s projection. Haha. Once I named them, I started to define how those two things somehow ‘coexist’ with the word ‘scary’. This process of defining involved a lengthy discussion with some people about my view of a relationship, (a bit extensive) reading, making schedule, and some writing –my regular problem solving methods used to involve music, so problems were much easier to deal with, but.. the new non-musical methods somehow prevailed, so they’re also good, I think.

Well. After some days of defining, the conclusion was that I was scared by the potential chronicity of being friend-zoned and being a ‘victim’ of someone’s projection. It was some long periods of huge emotional investment which in the end always got me thinking, “what the hell was I doing?” It was also numbing because I experienced kind of much sensation, and I still had to stay cool to preserve the homeostasis (i.e. the normal daily function) –I repressed things, and it didn’t feel good. And when I was at my numb-est, I finally closed off. I really didn’t want to close off anymore, which was the reason why I was immediately ‘alerted’ by this subtle sign of what I interpreted as being friend-zoned and being a ‘victim’ of someone’s projection. I went –frantic. Well. Mentally, nothing behaviorally as I recall. Haha. Damn it histrionic personality trait.. *self-slap

So. I then asked myself these questions: 1) Have I made any huge emotional investment?; 2) Did I (delusionally) oblige myself to stay cool in the name of preserving homeostasis?; 3) Did I feel bad about any particular things that have happened?; 4) Was I numb?; 5) Did I close off?

It was very relieving that even after in-depth self-prompting, the answers to all those questions were no. I immediately felt at ease, and.. suddenly being friend-zoned and being a ‘victim’ of someone’s projection didn’t seem that scary anymore. Somehow the scary part of being friend-zoned was the repressing feeling thingy and probably the chronicity.. so as long as I don’t repress things, I should be okay. And for the being a ‘victim’ of someone’s projection, well.. I had many other occasions when I was falsely accused (personally and professionally), and I managed. This one’s similar, so I think I should have no significant problem dealing with this one as well. Of course I still remember those stories, some in details *damn it anankastic—histrionic combo*, but I can always choose what name I would give them. Some might call those stories ‘trauma’, but I’d like to just call them ‘lessons’. I consider myself a life-long learner, so I love lessons. They’re beneficial, and so they’re nice :D

So. That is a reframing. Or.. so I think :p

P.S: I’m not sure I know exactly what I was writing. I just read this book about gestalt therapy and I still have pretty much no idea what that thing is about.. but what I could pick up is that I might need to change my practice of questioning from “why” to “what” and “how”. The book says the “what” and “how” questions help you to stay in the present, and to focus on what’s factual instead of getting you any nearer to catastrophic imagination.

What’s catastrophic again? Wait, let me google that..