Session 2 with Laura Perls (LP)

Note: Laura Perls is one of the three founders of gestalt therapy. She’s a real person, bit this following dialog is fictional. This dialog is hardly a gestalt too, although some principles of psychotherapy might apply. This is the ‘second (fictional) session’ with Laura Perls. The first one happened in my novel “Kursi Kosong” –yet to publish, but you can check the teaser here.

LP: You again! You read thegestalt book, didn’t you?

Me: Yes I did. That one’s a bit difficult, though. I only kind of understood it after reading the EmotionFocused Therapy book.

LP: But to the least, you know that empty chair is used for ‘talking’ to people that you know or parts of yourself so you can be able to deal with your unfinished issues, right?

Me: Yeah I guess. But you’re both the people that I know –although not in person- and you’re also a part of me –like my more therapeutic self- so.. you’re qualified.

LP: [thinking] Okay. If you put it that way, that kind of makes sense.. 

Me: Plus, you look like you’re somebody else, not me, so it serves twofold: first, to make me feel like having external support; second, to give me less sense of dissociation because If I somehow feel like I’m dissociating, I’ll start to think that I’m dealing with an unbearable stressor, when I’m actually not

LP: “Dissociation happens when somebody deals with an unbearable stressor.” That’s what the book said.

Me: [nod] That’s what the book said, although I think exceptions do exist. Anyway, I don’t think you appear because I need to talk about that book, I’m afraid.

LP: Oh of course I don’t. Let’s just get it started then. So what happens with that guy in the novel?

Me: Oh. He’s still around, but.. I’m no longer ‘haunted’ by the thought of him. The novel was both a good release and a good kick for giving me a sense of.. being able to write that long thing in a relatively short time. It made me feel that the Fukuoka research was somehow more doable, and I feel more ready to get out of the outpatient department and move on to the divisions

LP: Good for you! Any thought about getting back to him for knowing he’s still around because this other one doesn’t work?

Me: [surprised] You know that there’s another one! Well.. no. That guy is pretty much done. For 2017, I think AAVF or TRGFest seems more interesting than the Anti Stigma Conference. By that time, I would probably need a little quick getaway from being in psychiatry, so a vocal festival would be nice.

LP: Plus a Europe tour..

Me: Plus a Europe tour! My friend did that after her graduation. It seems awesome.

LP: Even more awesome if the other guy joins the tour as well?

Me: [laugh] No, he’s not joining. Anyway, I don’t think he’s a current issue. Let’s just skip him.

LP: [shrug] Okay. So what do you think I’m appearing for?

Me: I’m quitting the job that I have done for two years.

LP: [surprised] Ah right. Two years doesn’t sound like a short time. Any particular explanation for that?

Me: [shrug] in general, I would settle on something for either or both of these reasons: 1) money; 2) the fact that I like it. Well. Reason number 1 has always been out of question, but reason number two.. I liked it, but I don’t really like it anymore.

LP: [frowning a bit] Any particular explanation for that change?

Me: Well I always thought of it as a side job, I never intend to do it for the rest of my life; plus it’s not that ‘supportive’ to my curriculum vitae, but.. I don’t know. I think my situation back then was different from my current situation, yet the job stays the same.. so it’s no longer adaptive.

LP: How would you describe ‘different’?

Me: [thinking] Well maybe back then I wasn’t that sure about what I really want to do in Psychiatry; I even questioned whether I really wanted to do Psychiatry once [laugh] –but now I think I know, and.. I also know that I want to do Psychiatry (or some related things) as a job, not other thing, so.. Well. I think the constancy of this job I’m quitting from, has done a good thing to give me a sense that I can do something on track without losing focus.. but I haven’t found the focus that I wanted back then. I have now, and I’m quite optimistic that it will keep me busy enough to stay on track, so.. I don’t think I need that ‘anchor’ anymore. What it would do if I held on to it, would be overloading me.. and despite all those things that I have finished, I still need to further unload somehow. This is one of my efforts to unload. 

LP: [nod] Okay..

Me: Plus with the graduation of four of my seniors, my name goes up on the list of Psychiatry Residents. There are no longer that many seniors to ‘depend on’ or ‘lead’, so I should learn to depend on myself, and hopefully even the one other people can depend on. Not only in term of English, but also in the.. I don’t know, other interpersonal aspects, I think. As what John Mayer said, “it’s hard to be persistent whenwe’re standing on the distance,” so I think I need to be less distant, and be more involved in it.

LP: Although you would still prefer to maintain some privacy?

Me: Yes, some privacy would be nice.

LP: That sounds pretty considerate to me

Me: [smirk] I’m not sure, but I do hope so. Lately I also realize that my intermittent trivial fun-fact blabber and my active-listening skill are somehow more useful in hospital setting than at work. It makes me question further about the necessity of me being there.

LP: Ah. You miss those three curious siblings!

Me: And that one who said I was a walking Wikipedia. They made me learn things other than just teaching English, and that was what made it challenging. Now that they’re out, I don’t really feel like having anything to hold on to.

LP: I see..

Me: [shrug] I think it’s quite multifactorial after all

LP: It does look multifactorial. Anyway, you still seem to be a bit ambivalent about it, though. Any potential down sides that you might need to vent out?

Me: [assume a more upright position] Sure. I feel a bit panic –financially- and guilty too. I’m definitely not sure about how to cover my expenses in next one or two months, perhaps.. but I’ve been in a worse situation and I did just fine, so.. this time I’m going to be just fine, too. I guess..

LP: Okay. That’s the panic part. What about this part that you are less willing to address: the guilty part?

Me: [laugh] Well. I always have this.. feeling that.. not being the last one to leave means that I haven’t done enough, so I feel guilty for probably not doing enough.

LP: But?

Me: I have been pretty clear from the start that it’s a side job. Means, I didn’t plan to stay long. Means, I can’t really contribute much, I wouldn’t give my heart and soul for it, like what I do with music or my ‘destined’ career path --i.e Psychiatry- so maybe I don’t really wrong anyone or anything..

LP: Okay, so when you put it that way, you don’t feel guilty.

Me: Less guilty, yes. Guilt free? No. I’m actually a bit concerned about those teenager students who seem to be kind of ‘inhibited’ at home, but seem to find it a bit refreshing when someone actually inquires about what they think and feel. Well. They’re great kids anyway, they’ll manage.

LP: Okay..

Me: Oh. And I also somehow feel that it might not be a smart move! That’s why you appeared in the first place: because I worry I might do something stupid, and I need you to help divert me from being stupid!

LP: Ah right. What makes you feel stupid about quitting anyway? 

Me: The financial part, mostly. And whether it’s a wise choice to add another ‘transition’ when in fact I’m currently dealing with few transitions at once right now.. and whether I’m just PMSing so I turn more sensitive and reactive to things.

LP: Okay. I suppose that you’re aware that today, you had an interaction with one of your colleagues you usually have disputes with, and you reacted differently. It turned out okay, no dispute as it used to. That’s a transition. How did that feel?

Me: [shrug] it felt okay, even nice, to some extent. 

LP: So you’re the one to define whether a transition would turn out nice, or not.

Me: [nod] Yap!

LP: And even if it turned out ugly, would it stop you from quitting?

Me: [shake head] Nope. I’d still quit.

LP: So you have no problem quitting.

Me: I have no problem quitting. Thank you [smile]. I might need to get back to my works.

LP: Sure. Have a great time with your new state!

Me: Thanks. You too!