Session 3 with Laura Perls: going toward the middle

Laura Perls (LP): Again?

Me (M): Yep

LP: Same old same old?

M: Kind of. But I’ve learnt something!

LP: And you’re eager to share it with me?

M: Kind of. I mean I don’t really have an immediate confidante and I’m virtually music-less. Do you think you have any idea of how lonely that might feel?

LP: (surprised) you just mentioned that you’re lonely!

M: Yeah I just did, and I think I that’s the first time in 29 years that I word it out to refer about myself. It feels awesome, actually.

LP: You just did a new thing!

M: (excited) Yea I know! And so is this thing that I want to tell you about.

LP: You said it’s ‘same old same old’, so what’s new?

M: I said ‘kind of’. The subject is the same, but.. I’m no longer hanging in either extreme of the continuum. I’m going toward the middle. And like a scale, when you put the load somehow closer to the middle instead of putting it in either… tip?

LP: I know what you mean

M: Well okay. Point is, when I’m going toward the middle, I’m being closer to being balanced. When it’s balanced, it’s settled. I’m getting nearer to being settled!

LP: (repetitive nod) Wow.. that’s..

M: Terrifying, a bit. Haha

LP: Yea I bet it is. Every change always has a component of being terrifying to some degree, but yea.. of course. Being terrified shouldn’t be a good reason for not changing when the change is heading toward a better state

M: Yea I’m aware of that. I mean, I just realized that I’ve been swinging from one extreme toward another---

LP: Due to your ‘borderline’ and/or ‘histrionic’ trait that leads to the tendency of “splitting”?

M: Exactly. Somehow the right ‘dot’ should be lying somewhere not too far from the middle within a line of continuum that connects those two extreme dots, and I might have just passed it by because I was swinging so fast!

LP: So now that you’re somehow slowing down..

M: I find it a bit hard to be not shaky. Haha. I mean it’s like a---human nature? So when you feel like you’re walking on a rope--- or on that bar that connects the two tips of the scale, the tendency is to move as fast as you can so you can immediately reach the tip and finish your job. Sometimes, however, it’s not finishing-a job that matters. I mean... of course I want to get things done, but.. when it’s not done because I still need to take a good look around and/or really enjoy the journey itself.. I’d say why not doing that?

LP: Exactly. Especially when you plan it to be something that lasts for a lifetime, then it practically has no end. By rushing your walk to get it done –whatever ‘it’ may mean—you’re somehow denying its very basic nature; its very reason of existence.

M: I know, right? I can’t believe I’ve been so stupid!

LP: Nah. That’s just a part of the learning: you start with being stupid. You don’t always become smart during your learning, but you get less stupid each time, and sometimes that’s just enough

M: Yeah, I do hope it is..