That day

A few days ago I had my exam; like a level up test, and I didn’t immediately pass the exam on the first day. For me it was a huge shock. I was very angry and disappointed that I cried like shit for hours (like… literally hourS. You might be able to make a water-based (?) power plant with my tears). My anger and disappointment revolved around the topics like.. “why do I let myself being judged by this effin’ assessment that has no good intra-rater andinter-rater reliability?”, “were they even there when I did whatever I did? Because if they did, how come they did not notice it?” or even something like “Is it even worth it to stay in this somewhat-dysfunctional system? Do I really stay for a good cause or am I just too lazy to leave and start something new?”

As an effort for doing some catharsis, I wrote an angry letter of 1,5 A4-sized pages long (and as some people have seen it, my handwriting has like the 10 or 11 font size, usually single spaced :p). I also chatted with some friends –two of those (this highly-resilient lady and this film-maker) were kind of lengthy chats, texted a senior and got a phone call from another, texted my best friend in Bandung, my brother, and my mom. They were awesome and I haven’t stopped being grateful for having their support. If it weren’t for them, I might not even bother to come to the remedial exam on the next day… because that night, I was ruminating on the idea that associated coming-to-the-remedial-exam to being unfairly judged. Haha. I mean, that time I just thought, “I already knew how bad it felt to be unfairly judged; why would I want to get myself into a situation where it happens again?” Haha. But I did came, because of them. Because somehow they made me feel that I have this pride in which they’re parts of it--- which is why I’m responsible to keep by showing up to the remedial exam, despite whatever that would happen. I felt that it was a pretty hard thing to do; one reason was because that shock somehow took a great deal of my confidence about being myself. I’m a fighter, and being ‘shot to dead’ without being given a good chance to make any ‘counter-attack’ somehow made me think.. “Have I stopped being a fighter? If I really had stopped, then what am I now?” something like that. At other times I have trouble, I don’t usually ask that “why did this happen to ME?” question –I’m relatively free of personalization- nor that I have that fallacy of fairness (i.e people should be fair to each other); but that day I (inevitably) did, and it made me feel even worse because I felt so immature by thinking that way :p

I was able to gradually get out of that rumination, though. The first significant step that subsequently paved the way to relief was when my mom and my best friend somehow didn’t challenge my ‘judgement’ of being treated unfairly. Somehow they immediately validated it because they know that despite being occasionally irritable, I’m a generally happy person. My serious complaint of being treated unfairly don’t always come up once in five years or even longer; so when I did complain, that might indicate that something did happen---and I it’s just awesome that they trusted me with no question. It somehow made me feel that I’m generally able to think clearly and make proper judgement, so I didn’t really have to feel that immature about thinking that way. Haha. The next thing, I asked my friend something like, “why do I think that they’re projecting things on me?” and then he said, “Maybe because they really did?” Again, he didn’t immediately disagree to my judgement, which was a nice surprise. Then I asked another question, “If they did, why did they do that?” and his answer was, “Why not? That’s what people do. That’s why shit happens,” and I was like… “yea.. that’s right, actually..” That being said, I realize that on that matter, I did have that fallacy of fairness. I was cognitively distorted, I needed to get out immediately >.<

As I was getting my head gradually cleared, my mom gave me a ‘closing’ that for me, it translated as, “you don’t need to be nice just to win their sympathy. Just be your usual kick-ass self, and let them judge you for that. If they don’t like it, those people can screw themselves.” Well she didn’t literally said that, but it was highly relieving that she somehow gave me the license to not feeling guilty for kicking ass. And I just thought, I have the coolest mom in the world; I wouldn’t wanna change mom despite however many reincarnations I might go through <3

I came to my remedial exam on the next day. I didn’t kick ass, but I didn’t hold back either. I kept telling myself, “I just need to get through this time. And if there had to be another remedial exam(s), I’d go for it; not because I’m desperately need to pass, but because I have the capacity to always get up despite however many times I fall.” I was somewhat indifferent about the result, because I still had that thought that I didn’t need to feel bad about myself just because of an assessment that has no good intra-rater and inter-rater reliability... :p 

Anyway. I passed. What mark that I got? Whatever. The thing that I needed to know was that I was able to get out of that place, alive and intact.

I’m still a bit emotional at times when I talk about that day, but I’m no longer that angry and disappointed. I still don’t feel like going to that place –although I have to do that anyway on Monday. I still don’t feel like seeing some people who I thought to be related to my misery :p I also don’t feel like it’s worth it when people congratulate me for passing the assessment because an assessment that has no good intra-rater and inter-rater reliability are not quite an achievement –although I receive felicitations for coming out of there alive; without having to kill myself or anybody else. Gyahahahahaha.

Now I feel free J I’m now at that stage of education when I have more chance to develop my own ideas. Quite likely I would also only need to deal with one ‘annoyance’ at a time, so I would have more time to do the things that actually matter. I will have more chance for reading even many more textbooks. I can also start to arrange some appointments for learning that topic I really like, and I find it quite exciting because.. I recently found out that this might be the thing that I really want to do. The thing that I would love to call ‘home’ for my professional practice one day.

Well. I’m #OnMyWayHome, and it feels good :)