Being in this field..

… sometimes I’m not sure whether people are talking to me because we’re friends/acquaintances, or because they’re actually expecting some kind of free consultation for their daily problems; and the problem is that I know that they’re not sure either about the purpose of the talk. I guess this is partly because people in general (I’m not an exclusion) don’t usually ask about the purpose of doing some particular things, so sometimes we’re just picking up what’s there to pick up. If it turns good, then it’s good, if it turns bad then we don’t really feel that bad for at least we’re not doing that intentionally. I guess. Another part is maybe because psychiatry is indeed a human work. There are very delicate and highly contextual lines between personal and professional… and as therapists are basically as human as their clients, those delicate lines got fucked up all the time and so we need to rebuild and redefine it pretty much at all time as well. It’s an endless work and it can be tiring since it’s endless, but… at the same time it’s like a guarantee that living as a shrink would hardly be boring because there’ll always be new challenges. For an easily bored monkey mind like mine, gotta say, this is a pretty sweet deal, so it’s nice J

… I have lots of those moments when I feel like banging my head to the wall or just shout out all the swear words that I could find because… it’s just a super vast field of science. It’s like that time when I’m reading about those physics thingy about gamma ray or the blood kinetics within vessels (I don’t even know if it’s appropriate to call it “kinetics”) when I was trying to understand how fMRI work, and then bam! Only a few hours after that, I’m already drowned in some articles explaining about the child welfare system and its relation to early life deprivation that leads to adult psychopathology. And it’s child welfare system, so I read demographic statistics, policies, all those boring structural rules that somehow have turned not-that boring once I kind of realized how people put much effort to make the world a better place for those who are arguably the most vulnerable part of the population. 

There are also times when this thing makes me feel like “what the hell am I getting myself into?” Being raised by a mom who when I was younger kept telling me “make sure you have learnt ALL your materials, don’t miss a thing!” it’s highly frustrating at first to continuously noticed that I keep missing not just a thing but maaaanyyyy thiiiiingssss. It sucked big time. But then again, it’s a super vast field so I kind of believe that the only one who wouldn’t miss a thing on this is God. Me, my fellow residents, even maybe the best supervisor on earth… we would definitely still miss things, so it’s okay. It trains me a lot to deal with my perfectionistic tendency, and I guess once I start to manage to deal with it, I gradually change to become not only a more tolerant, but also a more forgiving and less irritable person. I hate myself less for not being perfect, and I think I become more accepting to others as well, so generally it’s been a happier life.

… dating can be quite a vexing activity, even though it’s just one date. You think it’s driving you crazy when your “potential prospect” not giving you a call after your first date? Well. Add that with basic screening of antisocial personality traits (so you don’t get murdered on second date, if it’s potential), analysis of the degree of potential compatibility with your own personality, trying to dig in to potential medical conditions and lifestyle pattern that correlate to that personality AND sorting which one that would lead to better survival and which one that would make you die faster, and maybe some other considerations… well. I can usually hold on and act like a normal being during some hours of the date, but after that, those unstoppable train of analytical thoughts would pretty much get me screwed. At other times when I could manage to decide to just relax and enjoy the ride, then it’s the guy who went like, “So you’re studying psychiatry, huh? What’s your analysis about me?” and I just didn’t have the… courage or the heart to say something like, “No, I’m not doing that, I’m dating now. Means, I’m off of work.” And maybe things would turn awkward if I happen to really said that, so I don’t usually say that. Another ‘problem’ might come up when the guy happens to ask about how my work goes or about people around me… I usually think a bit more than extra about something like, “Wait. If I disclose this, am I breeching any confidentiality contract?” If somehow the date happens after I just finished a psychotherapy session and I get a bit carried away (hey, I’m a newbie, I’m still learning to deal with it.. >.<), I would think something like, “Would this disclosure be good for keeping the date going fine or even in the long run? Would this be ‘counter-therapeutic’ instead and cause some kind of psychological trauma? If this is a transference, how could I make it to potentially beneficial for both parties?” and after those stupid questions, I would usually curse myself and think, “WTH are you doing? It’s a date, not an effin’ therapy.” But it has happened, and it’s just… phew. Head bang.
So yes, I don’t date a lot. It’s just too much mental stimulation. Added again with some physical contact or talks that might lead to things getting really physical, I would mentally just find ways to quickly screen for STD awareness, knowledge or training for basic life support, ego function in its relation to self control, capacity for responsibility, and empathy.. it's just too complicated. And when someone tells me something like "Oh come on, don't over-think things. You take psychoanalysis mambo jumbo too seriously" I feel like, "ya bilang kek dari kapan hari sebelum guweh baca-baca buku psikoterapi dinamik" or "ya kalok guweh kenapa-kenapa kan emang bukan eloh yang nanggung makanya eloh enak ngomong doang.." Such things. Well. I worry too much, I know, but... don't we all? At least I can point to what I'm worrying at and sort it so I could probably fix it..
In line with the old saying, “love takes time,” I believe that it does take time for me to process those things and to be finally feel okay about those details and to subsequently develop some kind of connection, then to make the connection more meaningful, mutual, and well-cherished. So.. I guess love at the first just doesn’t happen >.< Call it instant chemistry, it still doesn’t happen. And still, I’m not an exception of those who go crazy-and-delusional during PMS when a ‘potential’ date just ‘disappears’, so.. that happens, and that’s okay. At the very least, I still remember to check the date and manage to self soothe or contact someone who would call me delusional and talk me out of it. I still can't really imagine how people even manage to get married when even a first date is complicated already, but... never mind. I guess it’s been okay :P

So. Yes. I guess living a shrink-in-training (abbreviated as SHIT? XD) can be complicated at times, but at most times.. it helps me to appreciate the delicate complexity of this world and continuously remind me how small I am in this super-massive network of inter-human relationship. Despite being small, it’s also pretty much fun to find out that each of us can always be involved and play role in affecting each other’s life.. and it’s been challenging to continuously adjust the delicate balance to somehow achieve what we all want in life: contentment. So I’m grateful <3