Sometimes the tough part of dealing with things you like is when
you know that they won’t last.
I’m currently on my fourth year of education, and this means
that I’m like 18ish percent away from finish. As I still haven’t really decided
what I’m going to do after finishing this thing… I don’t know. To some extent,
it makes me feel somewhat insecure. It also makes me reflect quite more than
usual about how the process has been, what kind of professional I have become,
what I have encountered along the way, how ‘usable’ I would be by that time I
graduate, what kind of contribution I could possibly make to the community in
general and to my field specifically and how I would contribute… and such philosophical
things that I usually prefer not to think about because thinking about such
things somehow makes me feel like a grown up :p Well okay, I know I’m a grown
up, but.. I even had one grey hair some weeks ago! I can’t believe it! But
anyway. I think more about those things. When I’m kind of in thinking phase, I
tend to spend less time with other human beings. When I spend less time with
other human beings, there’s a bigger chance about kejombloan guweh being
extended to indefinite amount of time, so.. it can be quite a dilemma. Not that
much of a dilemma, though. Maybe a little.
Or.. a little more than a little. Whatever.
The point is, at least in my case, one thinking leads to
another, and it can be scary.
I imagine that ending something that I’m used to kind of
live for every day, at the time when it really comes.. that would feel really
hollow. It happened when I left the choir world due to the end of my study in
MedSchool *eh* and.. it took quite a long while to… grieve over
what-turned-out-to-be-transient nature of… the everything I used to have. And
it was probably also at that time when I kind of questioned whether I really
did have things, because when the time has come for me to lose them.. then I’ll
just lose them. There isn’t much that I can do to stop that.
Of course I survived after the lost, but somehow I also
realized that.. it’s irreplaceable. But still I have to let it go, so again, I
mourn, and I let it go. And.. well. At this point, sometimes I just wonder
whether I would mourn about the end of this education as much as I mourned when
I ended my previous one. Maybe yes, maybe not; maybe both, maybe neither. I don’t
know. Though yes, I believe I should be just okay. Letting go of things
although the things are good are just a part of growing up, so.. it should be
okay.
Despite those things that I had to let go, I do hold on to
some precious ones that I continue to ‘carry’ with me until today, and actually
I kind of plan to carry it until my last breath. I take pride in my ‘ability’
to carry those, and I wake up each day feeling grateful for having them in my
life. I made friendships that lasts for years, I have built up a set of the so
called personal/professional ‘style’ that has somehow thrived through many types
of ‘weather’, I have goals and somewhat-well-defined ‘missions’ that I would like
to accomplish in life, and.. I’m happy. Well. Generally happy.
Still, I kind of wonder.
Spending five years in a phase of life isn’t really a short
time, so during that not-that-short time.. have I really.. become a better
version of myself? Have I really done anything? Have my presence made any
impact? Is there a thing that I could really carry with me in the long run?
Will I be able to tell people with pride and joy when somehow I happen to tell
a story about this phase of life? Have I been playing around too much and being
too distracted with my own thoughts and deeds? Have I stupidly let go of things
I shouldn’t have let go and holding on to some nonsense instead? Have I had
enough time to celebrate and appreciate life the way it should be celebrated
and appreciated? Have I learnt enough?
Well.
I don’t know.
Life is just too short, and I don’t really feel like looking
back and gasp, “what a waste of time!”
I certainly hope not.
N.B: Tadi tu perasaan niatnta bukan nulis kaya gini.. kok jadi kaya gini yak :|
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