It’s been a while..

It’s been a while since i haven’t written anything read-able. Haha. Not that I’m soooo busy, of course, but it’s just that ..i’m doing things. And somehow writing is no longer a top priority. Well. I’m kinda fully loaded though, to have things going on and not having enough time (or willingness?? :P) to write’em down, so .. i need to let some things out, i guess. And that’s exactly why i’m writing now. Haha.

Well. There are things i havent done for quite a while and somehow i kinda miss them.

It’s been a (kinda long) while since the last time i blame people. Haha. 

It’s always exhausting for me to point fingers at others and still getting nothing fixed up, so i don’t do this since very long time ago. But somehow ... i saw many people blame others lately and they seem to be happy doing that even when that doesn’t solve anything. Don’t know. Maybe blaming is simply a joyful thing to do. Maybe the goal is not to fix things up, but simply to find who’s to blame. Well. It’s still out of my logics somehow, maybe i’ll try doing this sometimes so that i can understand why and/or how does it feel to blame others. Should i really try blaming? No? Yes? Which one’s right? Err..

Let’s just cut the blaming thing right there and move to another topic :p

It’s (also) been a (kinda long) while since the last time i feel jealous. Maybe the last time i felt jealous was when i was in junior high, when i got jealous to my brother for ... i don’t remember for what. It was written in my old diary that i was jealous but the reason is somehow really silly that i felt ashamed to even feel so. Haha. 

Not long after that, i kinda realize that each person was born with his/her own gifts and ‘curses’; nobody’s perfect, so why feeling jealous? I also learn that things are not always as they seem: someone may look perfect outside but who knows he/she’s deeply broken down inside--and vice versa, so why feeling jealous? 

Besides, we never really have things anyway. God borrows us things (and people) and He’ll take’em back whenever He like, so ... why feeling jealous for having our past belongings being taken by others? God just want to have a different borrower for His belonging, and there’s nothing we can really do about that, is it? I also saw many people got jealous lately –i don’t know, seems like blaming and jealousy is trending lately- and i kinda wonder what will i be if i go with the trend ... well. Being jealous is not a good feeling, of course; but not taking the trend ... hmmm ... which one is better? Feeling bad and go with the trend ... or ... feeling good but go with the trend? Many of us will choose option number two, i guess, but ... how many of us will really DO option number two? Well. I’d prefer not predicting about this. Human are just unpredictable somehow :p

Next.

It’s been a long while since i really ask for help. 

Haha. I seriuosly need to re-build this skill since i’m kinda do many crucial things on my own lately. Don’t know. I kinda think that i’m a doctor: i’m the one who have to stay calm when everyone’s in grief for someone’s death. I’m the once who need to be alert and clear minded when things are in chaos. I’m a (future) psychiatrist: people go look for me to talk about mind-burdening things; i give advices, instead of asking for them. I help, instead of being helped. Still, i’m just human somehow. And human’s not perfect, and human needed to be helped, and sometimes even for a silly thing like losing my room’s key :p (thank to Tifa for helping me with the problem :D). Well. It’s ok to ask for help when we’re really in need, right? Right. So. That’s what i’ll learn doing, i guess ;)

It’s also been a while since the last time i ask “why do i do this?”  

Somehow i just did kinda many things by impulse. I rarely really count the risks and benefits, for i believe that too much thinking will get us ended up doing nothing. And when we do nothing, we get nothing. So, i just do things. It’s kinda tiring somehow: doing things without knowing where we’re really going to, but ... i don’t know. I start to feel like too much to do and too little reward to get, so .. well. I don’t really like doing things while hoping for certain rewards, but like it or not, i need to be rewarded sometimes. And a ‘thank you’ or certain compliments don’t always sufficient enough since i need money to get myself fed, and my certain needs fulfilled. I’m trying to cut some no-profit activities and replace’em with more fruitful ones right now. It’s kinda so-not-myself to hope for a material reward when doing things –i don’t really love myself for doing this- but hopefully, it’ll soon take me to prosperity. With prosperity achieved, hopefully i can give more, share more ... it’ll be really pleasant and peaceful that way :)

Well.

It’s also been a while since the last time i finished reading one complete fiction book.  

the last fiction book i finished reading

I like reading, but somehow right now, reading just don’t straightly lead me to fast money. Haha. I need to pay things and reading can’t do it for me, so i don’t read. Haha. Hopefully the bills will soon paid off so i can start reading again. Amen.

And. Last but not least,

It’s been a long long while since the last time i sang solo in public.  

Haha. I felt good singing with a choir, and i sang solo everyday and/or in karaoke, but ... i still wish to sing solo in public, doing pop songs. With band-mates i haven’t been on stage with before. That shall be a nice twist for my daily music activity :D

Well. Maybe there’re still more things i used to do (except the first two things of the above-mentioned :p), but i kinda forgot to do them these times ... don’t know.

My life has been really sane lately, and somehow it drives me crazy. Haha. I kinda wish my crazy life to just come back coz they keep me sane somehow... 

I miss the time when i don’t need to count things out and that’s just ok. I miss the some friends who were full of inspirations –even when they didn’t realize it, i guess. I miss the time when i’m amazed of many new things instead of just whispering to myself, “well. human..” 

Don’t know. 

I rarely (if ever) regret things in my life, but maybe if there’s one thing i can regret about, it’ll be my past activities of reading books that define human characters. Those books made many human behaviour no longer surprising/shocking anymore...and when you’re never surprised nor shocked, life gets kinda more boring, right? Well. No big regret, though. I can laugh at many of those behaviours –while others may be disappointed or broken down by those yeah-right behaviours- for i realize that humans are so ridiculously manipulatively funny.

Well. Time goes by, anyway, but there are things i do wish not to change...

I still wish to preserve my laughing-at-bad-lucks attitude because i guess that’s way better than trying hard to take lessons from those bad lucks because many of us –i’m not an exception- are not wise enough to absorb the right lessons. Haha. 

Many of us will remember heartache/disappointment/such, and each of those bad luck will be an additional brick for the wall that tightly protect ourselves from---harm. I don’t want to get myself walled and protected because the wall will also be a limitation for me to experience new things that may be good...well. i just don’t want to.

I still also wish to always be able to see life as sets of possibilities instead of a fixed straight way to walk upon. Even when it turns out that life is indeed a straight way, i do hope that the pathway is big big biiiiiig enough, so that i can still do many things when walking on it: slow walking, running, jumping to the right and left, doing salto, dancing, turning back-and-front, twisting here and there ...well. those crazy things :P

Huff. Seems that the prognosis for me to achieve maturity is very poor .. err .. can i blame my aries-ness for this? No? err .. fine then.