At least..

Do you know how does it feel to be a student while working two part-time jobs? Quite fucked up, sometimes. Haha. This still has to be added with the fact that I’m not married, which means, people think I don’t actually have any serious problems. Add it again with another fact that I’m studying psychiatry, which render people to think that I should be able to deal with my own ‘mental’ issues. As a consequence, many times –not always, but many times- when I was about to tell people about a thing or two that bother me, in a not-so-long-time, i got a ‘curhat’ instead of becoming the one who did the ‘curhat’. So yes, pretty fucked up, it is.

Have a look at Monday, for instance. I had a paranoid schizophrenia patient who refused to take her drug and had a strong tendency to runaway, two canceled class at the language course I’m teaching in the evening, two journal articles that I hadn’t finished translating, a bag-full of laundrying to do, and a ‘promise’ i’m working on to keep. When my senior asked whether I was busy that I wasn’t able to immediately finished the translation, I had to keep myself from saying any further than, “yah. Gitu-gitu aja sih (kegiatan saya).” For if I do, I don’t think I’ll stop blabbering. This was also the case when I asked my student “how are you?” and he asked me back, “and you?” I gotta keep myself from saying anything else ‘bout “Fine, thank you” because I was paid for teaching instead of blabbering that I wasn’t that ok, right?

Well. I don’t really mind, though. Those things that I sometimes regard as crazy are ‘products’ of the-maybe-crazy choice that i had taken: to become a student while working two part-time jobs. Even though it might seem crazy, I made the choice at the state of full consciousness. I might have to literally –and mentally- run around to get things done, but at least...

....I can always tell myself that I’ve been doing not-so-bad without having to make excuses. I had multiple affiliations during graduate study, and I managed to get along with it all. I had the experience, I should be able to do it again.

....I obviously gain. Some things I gain immediately, some things I gain much later, but I always gain. There’s no such thing as mistaken decision for things that I have consciously decided; but sometimes I just haven’t immediately got the gain yet. Even when the decision turned out to be a mistake, it’s usually a necessary mistake, so no regret, i guess.

....I don’t need to really worry about people asking why I don’t have boyfriend; I have (seemingly) good answer for that. Well. Seemingly, not actually. There are times when I prefer to keep my one life as a secret from the other, so I can’t state reasons for my absence, sometimes. It’s good, though, because making reasons, even when it’s real and make sense, is tiring; and i’d rather be tired from working instead of from that non-productive making-reason activity.

....I can manage to maintain my shape and body mass index. I don’t have that much time to eat, nor adequate will to buy food that exceeds the regular daily need since I don’t actually have time to eat it. Haha. So yes, I'm in a pretty good shape :D

....I still could make a simple little reasoning for something scientific, that turned out to be kinda useful, and not offensive.

....I still have time to walk 20 minutes everyday and wash (and iron) my own clothes in about every week. This helps me to keep moving and to stay pretty fit, so that I can survive the so called crazy schedule. Oh. And haven’t you heard that physical exercise improve your mood? Well, i guess it applies for me ;)

....there’s still that one beautiful day called “Sunday” when I don’t have to wake up at exactly 5 a.m., and that nothing terrible happens with me waking up later than that hour.

....I’m financially okay! Yay!

....I don’t actually have relationship problem. From what I have experienced, relationship problems can be such a time and energy consuming something. At times of minimum time and energy spare like this, I really don’t feel like having this problem; and thank God I really don’t have it now :D

....I met some cute guys who don’t really seem gay. Not that it immediately makes me think that there’s hope for my wrecked up love life, but that’s just nice.

....I could still make this video about a week ago (go see it! go! go!)

So. At least, for right now, I’m alive, and quite okay.