Marriage

Okay so I’m gonna talk about an issue that usually induces my “bzzzzbb whatever” response every time somebody tries to talk me into it :p I’m gonna talk about it in a point of view of someone who’s in Erikson’sintimacy vs isolation stage. When somehow the kids-related parts emerge, I’m gonna talk as a parent, because that’s what I feel I’m currently closer to become. I’m now even a ‘parent’ for my parents too, sometimes, so.. let’s just consider it a practice for me to become a real parent. So let’s just get this thing done before my jumpiness-related dyspepsia act up again. Haha

I’m gonna start with a pretty general statement: I’m not so into marriage. There are some reasons for it that IMO make pretty good sense but many people seem to choose to just ignore them:

Marriage is a man-made institution. The love-based unity is divine, the marriage is not (or so I thought). I mean, who legalizes your marriage? God Himself? No. It’s a religious or state/national representative. They’re human, and they’re as non-divine as us all.. so what’s so grand about it? Again, the love-based unity is great, but again.. marriage doesn’t equal love, and vice versa, so.. that’s one reason.

Another reason comes up as I happen to be aware of some words that people use for the so-called ‘unconventional’ relationship: open relationship, open marriage, non-monogamous relationship, polyamory, polygamy, swapping, affair with mutual consent.. even a monogamous relationship where a couple live together without ever getting married. I mean.. if you want a companionship or even commitment, and you’ve had it covered without getting married, why blowing cash for that ceremonial mumbo-jumbo (i.e. wedding) that leads to a marriage life? Why should it be that much celebrated? What is the real thing that we’re actually celebrating? That.

Sometimes people also say that marriage is about having kids we can be proud of –anak saleh/salehah/berguna bagi nusa bangsa dan agama/all those scary unrealistic c’mon-parents-I’m-just-a-kid burdens. Well if there is pride in those kids, then it’s for them to have it, not us. It’s a good food for healthily boosting their self-esteem, not ours. If they happened to have excess pride for us to contain some, then it’s a bonus, but when they don’t, then we shouldn’t take that pride from them by making it about us (e.g. “My kid has good English because I put him in the international school and I provide him with good books.”). This is one of the reasons why having our self-esteem properly established before having kids is important: so we don’t need to compulsively take credits for our kids’ achievements that it renders them feeling underachieved because people who feel underachieved are predisposed to having depression. We don’t intentionally want to “breed” depression-prone kids, do we? Especially when we consider the current epidemiology of depression, it is now... well. I’m not gonna talk about depression in this post. You might wanna check this out for further reading.

Some things have happened, however, and they make me re-think about those concepts I’ve held for a kinda long while.

One of the most ‘monumental’ thing that put me into this realization is the currently-trending legalization of same sex marriage. I’m not gonna say I’m so into this, let alone talk about it like a know-it-all because I’m definitely not.. but what’s been ‘tickling’ me is the fact that marriage is important. Because if it weren’t, people would’t fight that much for their right of getting married. And if somehow that fight was just another they-just-don’t-get-me fight, my FB and twitter timeline wouldn’t be that flooded with lots of rainbow-related reactions. So I start to re-think, and.. try to find what’s so special about a marriage that makes people seem to be quite preoccupied by it.

I haven’t gathered much, but.. somehow my talk with one of my friends today brought up this idea: for significant decisions in your life, you’ll always need that one ‘undeniable/unbreakable’ personal reason –that reason that you based more on faith instead of logic; that reason that wouldn’t fade away when your ‘factual’ reasons change because the things around you just keep changing. Getting yourself committed in a marriage somehow fits this statement well, with your spouse being that personal reason. Of course you might have that compatibility calculation and you might point to things that made you fall for him/her in the first place and those things that have made the feeling last so far.. but that’s still a feeling (i.e. a faith), not something that you actually know; something that’s evidence-based. You don’t have any RCTs or meta-analyses to back up your decision to choose your spouse; you just choose, and (‘blindly’) jump in ----which again brings me to the question: why on earth do you do thaaaaat? Gyahahaha. Then another voice in my head answers, “The reason is.. personal.” Then I’ll just like, “I know, but.. why?” Then the voice answers again, “It’s personal.” And then I think.. does that voice actually wanna say that being married makes us to being.. a person? Like.. the very essence of what we’re destined to be: a person, no more no less. Somehow, the closer we are to our ‘intended nature’, the better we can make of ourselves, so.. maybe it is the reason..

I try to look at it again from the commitment-related point of view. So according to Erikson’s stages of psychosocial development (unlike Freud, he didn’t seem to be under cocaine when he came up with the theory, FYI. And yes, I’m still pissed at Freud), the existential question of the intimacy vs isolation phase is: “Can I love?” Broadly speaking, “love” in that question doesn’t necessarily refer to romantic love; it could also pertain to your country, your family, your career choice, etc. If we’re to rephrase it, the question would become, “Can I commit to something?”

I then ask myself again, what makes a commitment to a marriage different from the commitment to other things? What I can think of, is that the commitment to a marriage is unique because it has immediate implication of someone being committed both individually and socially.. and that’s what the books about morals always tell: human is both an individual and social being. So again, we’re getting closer to our ‘intended nature’, so.. maybe it’s nice..

Well.

I still can’t think of any other explanations, so let’s just stop it for now. Haha. I guess the conclusion here would be this: I’m still not that so into marriage (although I wouldn’t mind having one, if that’s ever possible).. but I’ll work on reducing that “bzzzzbb whatever” response when somebody tries to talk me into it. As long as no orgen tunggal plan involved, I’m quite optimistic that the talk can proceed without getting anybody killed. So.. Cheers! :D