I think I lost myself somewhere along the way..

…. And the process of re-finding it has been challenging and occasionally exhausting, yet also exciting. While I thought that moving to this beautiful island almost four years ago was only a matter of studying, it’s not actually the case. Being in this new environment, I’ve been faced with many differences from –if not opposites of- some values I used to believe: equity, simplicity, and independence. Of course it might be just me getting used to the real ‘workplace’ where I really get involved with both its fun and (many of) its shits; as I never really worked in a somewhat-complicated environment… but… well. I tend to believe that I deserve a workplace that at least not interfere with those personal values I believe as I thought a workplace should be professional (i.e. it doesn’t meddle with personal values as long as it doesn’t bother coworkers)… but when somehow the work is about people work… it might not be that easy to separate between professional and personal. Some personal values would inevitably ‘leak’ into the professional life, and when it encounters some non-concordant personal values of one’s coworkers, that’s when shits happen XD

I needed to learn other ways to somehow teach people to survive other than standing up for themselves, especially when the cases involve women; which just didn’t make sense at first, but.. somehow I learnt that human beings do have multiple ways to survive, and each different way would be applicable to different contexts. I also learnt that giving trust to a wider social circle to take care of a person might not be that exhausting, and that it could be a significant source of support instead. I learnt to value collectivism better instead of somehow condemning it as a source of dependence and indecisiveness. I also learnt that while abundance might make someone look like a ‘hoarder’, some abundance just happens and as long as it doesn’t hurt, then let it be. Sometimes people also don’t reason, they just do things as the ‘eldest’ and the ‘respected’ say, and.. at times it doesn’t hurt either.

But then, despite the effort to understand and tolerate things, I still don’t feel like I fit in.

Maybe it’s because I’m being a bit too stubborn about holding on to my personal values. Maybe because I’m congenitally stubborn, but maybe also because I see evidences that it works better and I need more evidence to somehow let it go for some contexts.

Maybe because I seemed to forget that “values” are not things that just pop up; they take time to grow and develop; and to change values–both mine and theirs- into a common understanding, that might take a life-long effort… which sadly, might not be that necessary anyway. So yes, I think I have been kind of delusional for some time. Maybe it’s because something significant happened and changed things on my side, and somehow I just mistook and over-generalized it as an empowerment that I, myself, could change things---when that’s not actually the case. I might have been as well so consumed by these things that I thought I could change, when I should’ve make a difference in other departments…. And it’s been frustrating as this meaningless effort has somewhat diverted me from being who I really am. Fortunately, though, I think I’ve come to the realization that… well.

In short, I need to go back to being myself and refocus, because that’s what I live best with. Not just for myself, but also for my surrounding.