Rethinking Relationshit

Jadi ceritanya setelah sekian lama enggak thanks to dek Nana yang berhasil bikin ga traveling dua tahun padahal tinder di Jember sungguh suram, sekitar dua bulan terakhir ini saya semacam berurusan lagi dengan makhluk yang namanya laki-laki and of kors it sucks. Wkwkwk.

Okeoke, I'm trying to be not all negative here, so let's try to put it in a more positive kind of way 😜

Jadi ya.. let's say I've learned another lesson, dan... salah satu hal di dalam diri saya yang berubah setelah belajar itu adalah, I used to have like 1% faith that the so-called a decent relationship could happen to me.. 

Well. Now I have minus 100%.

I guess that's a progress karena angkanya bisa jadi gede kan.. jadi 100, so I kinda feel more confident about my stance karena udah lebih bold dan ga tanggung2 lagi gitu 😝 Jeleknya, though *waw akoh kaya anak Jaksel yang mixing2 ngomong endonesa sama enggres* ternyata 'pelajaran' ini memberikan tantangan tambahan buat saya saat saya dicurhatin pasien atau dedek2 gmz mahasiswa tentang cinta2an karena saya jadi harus berupaya ekstra untuk bilang ke diri saya "B*tch, it's their story. Stop making it about you. Just effin' listen b*tch, it's your job. Do it well, and if you can't do it well at least effin TRY!" and refraining from quickly responding with ,"Tenang aja, habis ini itu bakal jadi mbelgedes kok. Tunggu timing aja... paling ntar lagi" . Ya I mean, emang iya kan, just because it happened to me, of kors bukan berarti it would happen to other people, jadi ya.. gitu. I should've just done my job, and I'm trying, really 🙈

Well. Again, maybe it's not that all bad, though.

Kalau dipikir lagi, sebenarnya this lakik thingy ini lebih seperti the last straw yang.. kinda hyped me up a bit to get some extra energy and confidence about myself in my currently self-esteem-depriving-ish situation..
but then it broke me down a bit more than I expected to the level of urging me into immediately 'demolishing' that situation and actually rethinking my priorities and taking actions on it *sound effect musik peperangan berdarah-darah *biar dramak*  Well I'm quite upset about it; kinda a lot during these last few weeks, gotta say. Tapi di dalam marah itu saya jadi semacam diingatkan lagi bahwa this thing is not worth my energy, jadi kaya semakin ter-highlight sebenarnya apa yang harus saya prioritaskan, and it's just not it; not for me, at least.

While of course it might be tempting to resort to thoughts like "Ah aku kurang gini ya kayanya.. ah harusnya aku gini aja, gitu aja, nggak kaya yang aku lakukan kemarin" or such like what I used to do when I was younger, I actually feel kinda proud of myself for not doing so because again, I shouldn't have done so: Why should I? Wkwkwk. Bukan karena saya waham bahwa saya ini suci dan semua orang lain penuh dosa, tapi.. I've experimented with this kind of thing kinda a lot and I've tried various kind of possible approaches, but it just doesn't work, jadi ya.. not my approach. Emang doesn't work aja. Plus emang sih, saya sudah sampai pada titik di mana I kinda appreciate myself for what I am today jadi throwing myself self-defeating statements itu kaya.. it would just feel weird if I did so 😎 

Anyway.

Beberapa waktu yang lalu waktu pertama kali bikin draft posting ini, saya masih berpikir buat kaya bikin statement tentang my current stance, relationship-wise, tapi hari ini.. ternyata saya males karena hari ini saya sudah berada pada titik di mana saya percaya bahwa for me, a decent relationship is simply inexistent, so... I'll just go on living, caring what I need and love to care for dan pensiun dini dhisik dari ngurusi lakik dan segala kembelgedesannya.

Namuuunn.. buat eloh2 ni gaes, yang mungkin masih percaya bahwa a decent relationship itu ada, and I genuinely believe that you still have that chance to probably have one, ada dua quick tips sih biar eloh bisa menikmati your relationshit journey gitu lo gaes.. biar up and down-nya itu ga sampe bikin elo break down banget gitu.

Pertama, know your values and don't feel guilty about holding on to it. Di dalam 'value' ini tercakup juga semacam what you REALISTICALLY want in a relationship, your do's and dont's, your expected degree of opennes with your potential partner, your current and possible future priorities, what important to your self esteem and the threats to it, your readiness for the relationship (and whatever forms it might take), dan hal-hal semacam itu lah. Namanya relationship, nanti pasti ada di antara hal-hal itu yang akan harus dikompromikan, tapi kalau yang harus kamu kompromikan kok kayanya beyond your limit; atau kaya level of willingness buat komprominya itu ga imbang antara kamu ama potential partner-mu, mundur wae gaes. Tuhan aja nggak membebani kamu lebih daripada yang bisa kamu tanggung kan.. mosok kamu mau spending your life sama manusia yang berani2nya ngelakuin sesuatu yang lebih dari Tuhan? Medeni gaes..

Kedua, have back ups. Punyailah satu atau dua orang yang tahu banget perjalanan hubunganmu dari awal sampai akhir itu kaya gimana, sedetail2nya; dan usahakan orang2 yang kamu punya itu orang yang objektif dan cukup rasional. Kenapa? Karena serasional apapun seseorang, kalo udah urusannya sama relationshit, susah gaes kalo mau blas ga ada delusionalnya itu. I mean, even when your healthy coping and ego defense mechanisms are mostly in place throughout your whole life, relationshit seriously changes your hormones and neurotransmitters gaes.. and when hormones and neurotransmitters strikes, there aren't always much that you can do, unfortunately, sehinggaaa punyailah teman ini buat mbantu kamu biar meskipun kamu galao, kamu masih tetep bisa in touch with reality and carry on living like this shitty thing can't do you a thing gitu gaes. 

Uwis.

I'll stick to what matters and it's not me-and-you.