These days I guess I've been surprised with my own degree of patience, accommodating and understanding attitude, and self-control karena I used to be definitely not that patient and accommodating; I used to be way more expressive and straightforward and just like... ddak! ddak! ddak! hajaaaarrr kind-of person. Wkwk. Di satu sisi ada perasaan bangga karena (mungkin) itu artinya I've learned so much that I'm actually able to change so much, tapi di sisi lain, unfortunately, I do have a pretty huge fondness sama that side of me yang not thinking much but doing much. Yang ga sabaran pengen nyelesein kerjaan jadinya ga nunda2 nggarapnya, yang ga terlalu banyak mikir planning dan ya udah hadapin aja apa yang di depan mata (termasuk saat merespons orang), yang mau ngomong ya langsung ngomong aja tanpa direncana baik2 wording-nya (dan kalo uda ada konsekuensinya, baru dipikir gimana ngatasinnya *oops :p). I kinda feel.. that it's somewhat painful that I've lost those qualities that I'm fond of; qualities that somehow defined my identity for a kinda long while... jadinya... I turned out questioning too, lately, "Am I actually being lost right now? Have I become someone else without knowing it? Then who am I now?" Such thought somehow feels.. scarily painful. I mean.. any (unfinished) losing is painful, right? And when we kinda suddenly realize that we've lost it and not having the time at all to anticipate the losing, it's also... rage-inducing kind of painful. So.. it's scary, it's raging, and it's kinda saddening and upsetting too that I thought I've had it finished with that losing, tapi ternyata.. mungkin belum 100% juga. Intinya, the kinda complete kind of painful. Kzl.
Mungkin adult lyfe emang gitu.
Mungkin I just can't still accept the 'fact' bahwa.. being an adult is not immediately synonymous with being established. I mean.. kayanya dulu saya mikirnya, kalau pas muda saya sudah tahu nanti pas dewasa mau jadi apa dan seriously working on that, saat saya dewasa saya bakal bisa 'sampai' di sana, and once I got there, I can just be an established adult and live (not happily ever after but) relatively peacefully and content-ly. I thought, karena sejak awal saya sudah tahu mau jadi apa dan I am now seriously udah bisa jadi what I wanted to be, saya ga bakal simply drifted here and there in life for like forever kaya yang saya lihat terjadi sama orang tua saya. I thought I would be (not fully unshakeable, but) firm enough to stand whatever kind of storms..
Tapi tentu saja.. tydack semudah itu, Ferguso.
Mungkin saya dulu mikirnya the storm wouldn't be that strong. Mungkin saya kurang piknik dan kurang rajin belajar juga karena cuma antisipatip sama storm dan ga antisipatip sama banjir, tanah longsor, gempa bumi, lightning strike, dan segala rupa jenis bencana lainnya...
Mungkin saya nggak berpikir bahwa prioritas dan lyfe goal bakal bisa berubah secara cukup drastis as time goes by... but... the thing is, they DO change...
Dan kayanya saya ga suka sama the harsh reality that my only choice is to accept and adapt to it. Wkwkwk. Well.. I don't really object to the 'adapt' part karena feel-nya itu kaya masih doing something and I generally like doing things, learning things. I do object to the 'accept' part, though, karena kesannya pasrah pasip nrimo, kaya doing nothing, dan (contrary to probably currently popular belief) akoh tydack sukak disuruh diem doing nothing. Well. Maybe it's my grandiose delusion talking, but.. it just doesn't feel that good to feel like I have things exerted on me; things I can't really control, things I can't really win no matter how hard I fight. Tapi ya.. that's what's happening. Wkwkwk
Nggak tahu.
I mean... saya masih ngerasa bahwa mau ini storm, banjir, kilat badai menyambar, tanah longsor, gempa bumi, atau apapun itu; sebesar apapun itu tantangannya, saya bakal survive. I'm not changing that faith. Tapiiii sepertinya saya perlu mengubah keyakinan bahwa saya bakal tetap survive dalam keadaan syantek, elegan, dan febeles karena kadang.. kalau yang perlu diprioritaskan itu cuma bisa satu hal, ya nomor satu harus survival dulu, baru syantek, elegan, febelesnya belakangan. Function before fashion, rite? I mean, kalo saya ga survive in the first place, saya toh ga bakal bisa making efforts buat bisa syantek, elegan, dan febeles juga yekan? Jadi ya.. sepertinya habis ini PRnya adalah latihan lagi buat looking in the mirror dan nggak marah sama diri sendiri when I'm seeing myself broken into pieces, super ugly, berantakan, dan orak febeles blas, karena... I've tried to survive anyway. I didn't chicken out from the fight; I stayed there and I kept fighting despite knowing that I was gonna lose it anyway. Some parts of lyfe had had me hurt badly dan yang saya butuhkan after being hurt badly adalah a chance to heal, bukan another hurt from self depreciating statements thrown out while I'm looking at myself in the mirror. I need to keep having my chance to heal and recover, dan if lyfe doesn't give me that, then I'm making that chance myself. I'll make it continuously available by myself, for myself, dan mungkin... bisa jadi itu aja udah cukup for starter, kan? Jadi ya.. udah. Kaya gitu aja kayanya. That's what I'll do. 계속하면 결국에 다시 날 찾을게지?
N.B Setelah dipikir-pikir lagi, kayanya saya terinduksi surhat2annya Aaron sama Joel di Korean Cowboys podcast. Sungguh sialan kalian berdua..
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