I have forgiven myself

I have forgiven myself for only being able to become a tiny grain of sand if His super vast universe. This is not making excuse, this is just accepting destiny. Besides, when it comes to destiny, do we have another choice other than accepting it? No, we don’t.

I have forgiven myself for not being that kind of doctor who can be everyone’s hero. I’m not skillfull at life-saving, I will still ask my patients to pay, and I still won’t give all my 24-hours-a-day and seven-days-a-week for this profession. I have indeed some things that I can do, but there are much more that I can not do; even when I have learnt, even when I have tried. I’ll just focus on those things that I can do, and refer you to those who can handle you when somehow you ask me to do things I can’t do. That sounds lame, I know, but when being lame is the truth while being awesome is a dangerous lie, I’d surely opt for truth. I don’t feel like really whining nor arguing about that.. and also about whatever people say. I guess i’m just gonna work. Hopefully it turns out good.

I have forgiven myself from not moving on easily. Not from you, but from my own fear(s).. of being rejected, left, not loved, blamed for what i am, and all those insecurities. I may have exaggerated this, but coping with personal issue is mostly.. personal. And this thing can go crazy even when we’re at our best level of sanity. Often, we can’t make other people comprehend because we ourselves have no idea on why some things happen and some don’t. In my case, at least for the moment, I guess I’m done having too much ‘bombs’. I’m done drowning in stories of unrequited love – flying unusually high with just one or two tiny interactions, then hit the ground hard when struck by facts. I still won’t give chances, there’ll only be one chance, and if it’s not taken, i’ll leave and quite likely won’t look back. I need time to stay still, to probably re-shape my belief; an old one that has been compromised by my will to try to take chances. I’m not sure i’ll be able to define what’s right, but i guess i’ll find what’s good, and hopefully, that’ll be enough.

I have forgiven myself for not being that kind of good friend, family member, or community member who cares about the surroundings. I don’t have good argument for this, nor that I’m sure that I’ll work on this later to make it better. It doesn’t feel right as well for saying that forgiving myself is the only way to deal with this, but uhm.. maybe later I’ll find a reason, and way(s) to get things better. Hopefully.

I have forgiven myself for not being awesome and inspiring. I mean, my life is somehow full of sarcastic jokes and silly things.. I love those sarcastic jokes and silly things, but.. if i inspire the world with my life, then everybody tries to become someone like me, the world would be damn boring. So.. let’s just let it be..

I have forgiven myself for getting older and still not yet publishing any book i write myself. Haha. Of course I keep thinking, “damn, there’s an ‘ink’ word in my name, that should get me writing something, how can i not do that?” but.. well. I always consider myself a slow learner when it comes to things I like, somehow.. Haha. Well.. I guess i’ll get there, i’m pretty much paving my way for that. I just need to not losing faith.. and keep trying. Haha. I’m quite pessimistic right now, but.. maybe being pessimist is part of the journey, so.. I’ll just enjoy it for a while, i guess :p

Well. See? I’m pretty hopeful of being good. So. Hit me, dear age-of-27. I’m ready :)